Ode to the HP Cylinder Man

Yep It was time now.
The month was almost up.
Mom said CIAO!
But I’ve just given up!

She had left she was gone,
Now I was alone.
I heard his bicycle trample the lawn,
GREAT! He can’t even phone?

There he was Oh there he was,
The HP cylinder man!
He comes on his cycle every month,
Twirling his moustache!
Ugly-OH SO UGLY! From his head to his foot!
You can chance one- but the 2nd time- YOU CAN’T EVEN LOOK!

He knocked on the door and Yelled GAS WALA! Continuously,
I-completely green now- ran down to attend the door.
I tried to close my eyes, but couldn’t do that assiduously,
It was too much to bear man! I was totally floored!

“Toh tum ghar pe akeli ho?” he said with a smirk.
The hair at my back stood on end, as I turned to face him.
“Haan toh?” I said with my best attempt to sound brave,
“Gas kaha hain maaloom hain?” was what he had managed in the interim.

“Vaise bhayya- ise gas nahi CYLINDER kehete hain!”
He stopped aghast-wondering what in the world had I said?
“Haan kya? Par ispar vaise GAS likha hota hain!”
“Haan-par who isliye kyunki usme gas BHARA HOTA HAIN!”

He reeled with shock at this sudden revelation,
I started with surprise as he almost dropped the full one!
“maine kabhi apni life mein bolne ki galti nahi ki!” he cried.
Then he looked at me- as if convinced I had LIED!

“Maine bhi,” said I with sudden calm,
& he smiled YES HE SMILED- thanked me- and went his way,
I wondered then- wondered almost in alarm what made his day?
Wondered what it was- Wondered what did I say?

There he is-OH there he is!
The HP cylinder man!
He comes on his cycle every month-
Twirling his moustache!
Not that ugly now- I’m still confused as to HOW?
But now he smiles at me as if to say- WE’RE REALLY FRIENDS NOW!

The Ultimate Test of Sanity

Well here I am. My pre-boards are on- but I thought I must attend to this immediately. And IMMEDIATELY it is. Because THIS is one case in which I EXPECT people to see things the way I see them- but it just ain't happening!

The other day I came back home… all dejected and stuff (memory fails me- I think it had to do with my math marks…). When I entered it was to find Mom busy with her chapattis in the kitchen. She generally asks me "So what marks you got today?" so I braced myself. But evidently- that day- she had something more interesting chewing her grey cells. (And mind you- chewing STRAIGHT THROUGH in my opinion.)

She merely said- "I think a surprise awaits you. I don't know how you'll react- but go upstairs and look out your right window."

Well- naturally- as curiosity kills the cat- I was perplexed. I edged slowly upwards- as slow as possible. What would it be that got MOM so excited? Frightened at the thought that she's removed the vine outside my window I love so much- I opened my window.

At first- I didn't notice anything. Nothing had changed. I shrugged. There's got to be SOMETHING now that Mom's mentioned it! But nothing that I could actually see- so I decided to go down and consult her on what exactly she was talking about. As I turned to go- my eyes fell on my neighbour's backyard. (pretty normal see.) I noticed the normal swing they had put up… the huge palm tree in the side… many additions of new pot plants by Aunty next door… and then- I stopped. Stared. And I couldn't believe my eyes.

There were two white birds- the type with webbed feet and white plumes- frolicking about in their backyard. My eyes (I think) were the size of dinner plates.

I ran down. "Were you talking about-" Mom-"So you noticed our neighbour's new pets did you? I was thinking of coming up myself and pointing them out. I thought you wouldn't see them." "But… but…", I stammered," They can be seen from the MOON!" Well yeah technically. Who wouldn't notice two GEESE in someone's backyard?! "THAT'S NOT NORMAL!!! THEY'RE ABNORMAL!!" I said. "And why would that be? It's perfectly and simply their choice what they want as a pet- be it a goose or a mongoose." Said Mom.

Mom didn't see eye to eye with me on this topic hereafter.

They make quite a lot of noise. I've seen them shitting in the small inflateable pool that the neighbours have provided for them… they look like they're hungry all the time. And they kind of freak me out.

I asked my kindly neighbour- "why do you have geese in your backyard man?" And my kindly neighbour replied- "Because we bought them."

Now this case has become a test of my sanity… I think either I'm losing my marbles- OR (the more likely option) EVERYONE ELSE IS.

Isn't there ANYONE around who agrees with me and thinks it's abnormal to have geese in someone's backyard??

I rest my case.

:P

Marital Bliss!!

One day I just woke up like I was in a stupor,
Realised I was much bigger than the previous day I’d been,
Mum ran in all frenzied & yelled in a voice that was super-
“GIRL YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED! & you’re the greatest mess I’ve seen!”

I started and protested but I wasn’t to be heard,
It was pre-planned and I had agreed; mum yelled in pain,
“BUT I’M JUST SEVENTEEN! I said in a voice hurt and slurred,
“Nonsense woman!” said my mother, “Being twenty-seven isn’t a shame!”

“WHAT!”, thought I as unceremoniously on the bed I flopped,
“honestly the world is conspiring against me! It’s all a plot!”
But then again I realised, this plot had no ending, no aim,
How I had managed to be 27 intrigued me just the same!

I decided to go with the flow & a little acceptingly-
I tried to check out who my bridegroom was to be,
I gasped with horror & hid my shock as I saw the photograph,
All in all- a stout little man with a portly moustache!

The wedding was to happen on the very same day,
I waited with my parents for the “baraat” in dismay,
All my mind was thinking of was how to sort this out,
& when the in-laws finally arrived- I began to shout-

“You useless folk who’ve come to accept me as their own,
Try & be sensible for a change & to brainwaves be prone,
Child marriage is forbidden here you gormless ignoramii!
I don’t care who I kill right now- such is my temper high!”

They laughed as if I had cracked a fairly decent joke,
(I must say at this point- I could turn cannibal & their privates poke)
I began thinking of other ways they could probably see-
That I was not the 27-year bride they thought I was to be!

I got my laptop & opened my facebook account frantically,
I knew there had to be SOME eveidence there about me,
I pointed at my profile pic- & yelled “AHA! Now you know!”
My hubby-to-be pointed at the date-“wow you were pretty different 10 years ago!”

Frustrated I ran to my room & retrieved hockey-stick and ball,
I saw to my satisfaction- everyone was appalled,
I dribbled the ball & said “I’m sure a 27-year old will not do this!”
“sure you can!” said my fiance, “I fell in love with you for this!”

Now I have been divorced nearly 4 times in a row,
& three kids have I produced (how I just don’t know…)
& still I ponder on that little unsolved mystery,
Of how I slept for 10 years of my life’s history!

How did metal-music begin?

I was reading a book penned by the pet-dog of the Dennis Stratton, former member of the heavy-metal band, Iron MadeIn.


The book, "Life in noise", elicits emotions of pity for the poor dog. Dogs are creatures with sensitive ears... and the explosive sounds that damaged the hearing-power of Pittu, the dog... arouse nothing but wonder at the joy whacked people get by smashing metallic objects.


Pittu  goes into a deep philosophical trance as observed in his 'Life in noise'. He sends facebook messages and tweets to God, asking Him the origination of this pathetic form of noise-making... God tweeted - isn't much of an avid facebooker - back saying.....
" Dear Pittu, I had once gone deep into Satan's caves... only to find that the cave-dwellers were entirely deaf! However, they were music enthusiasts back in their days on Earth... and with that inherent fighting spirit, they did not quit on music just because they couldn't hear... and therefore they devised - what mortals call - Heavy Metal sounds... Where they clanked unbreakable objects as hard as they could and thus could hear faint rhythmic sounds... This was beatific salvation for these dwellers deprived of the power of hearing. However, one day... two of the masters of these cave-men, fell into black holes which led them to Britain and North America respectively (as far as my memory remains, it was the 1960 era then). And these men of Satan - not realising their cosmic positions... continued with their art of metal-clanking. Consequently this form became popular with the stoned people of those regions. These satanic beings were lucky to land in the misery-stricken areas of the West, where drug addicts had sex in the open.. where the Hippie culture had conquered Teens. If those cave-men had landed somewhere in the Indian subcontinent... they would have perhaps been crucified by the ascetics and maulanas!
So my dear Pittu, was the origination of Heavy-metal music on Earth. Take Care, I(God) Bless and keep in touch.. Twitter rocks! \m/"


Pittu - as he writes in his memoir - was gripped by the intense desire to eradicate this form of noise pollution... However, without the power of intellect (wonder how he wrote his autobiography then! hmmm) his mission didn't progressl... 


But he does describe the positives of this painful form of art... He writes - and rightly so - that it led to the growth of the American and British economies. The doctors made a lot of money from metal-head patients who frequented them complaining about head-aches, stomach upsets, eyesight problems, deafness, poor-memory and so on... So did the makers of Aspirin.. they sold aspirin at the rate of a million tablets a day .. And the taxes raised by these activities went into the very Trillion Dollars... making superpowers out of them! And did many professionists such as Psychologists, Graffiti artists, Junk-yard owners enjoy much of this economic boom... the success amongst such un-tried careers urged people to opt for diverse professions which brought about inevitable economic success!


Pittu prophesied that the third-world countries during his years - the 1970s - would adopt this blue-print in the 21st century to attain the superpowerial levels of the WestWorld... Which is why WallStreet analysts observe a rise in the followers of such music in places like India...

The Twist!

I'm sure everybody is well updated with the progression of the Swine - or more popularly - Piggy/Dukar Flu.

But, just to give another imaginative dimension to this epidemic, what if it is a monopoly of some pharmaceutical company(ies) or a band of evil doctors who want to enhance their importance in the world of men? Silly to think, sure is... but lets put it this way:

What if, some firm already has a vaccine in place.. a vaccine almost impossible to duplicate..
According to a WHO report, if a vaccine doesn't come out in the markets by 2011, 2 billion people will have suffered the wrath of the virus. So what if this Pharma company launches its vaccine after 2011. It'd cater to the needs of 2 billion people! And - being as conservative as possible - even if it were priced at a dollar... that would be a $2 billion dollar business! Whereas price it at a somewhat conservative 10 dollars.. it would mean a $20 billion dollar enterprise! Which is a lot of moolah!

And the money hospitals and doctors would have made would be phenomenal too! Just try imagining this to be the ploy of the entire medical community. Right from the Pharma co., to the doctors, to the nurses, to the hospitals, to the canteens in those hospitals, to the so on and so forth! Like how there was a secret 'Illuminati' in Dan Brown's Angels and Demons, would there be the 'Blood Cross' for the world of medicine... And this wicked coterie would have construed the entire Swine Flu right from inventing it, to destroying it; while its members made money all the way long...!

Dany, the Blood Cross boss was a frustrated man. He lost a law-suit to a Pig-farmer, who claimed the doctor robbed her of the dairy products in her farm (Pigs and dairy products?)
So Dany called upon a Blood Cross web conference... where the entire medical community joined him... and not to forget, he made a million dollars of the Google Ads he put on his Video-Conference Client!
It was here that the blue-print of the swine was worked out. An ayurvedic veteran from Ukraine suggested some of the bone-marrow be taken from the pigs of the region of Chernobyl, the famous site of the nuclear-tragedy. Thus, the formula was prepared. A much more sophisticated strain of the influenza was created, much more hazardous than the strain of the 1976 Outbreak. And since, the Mexican high-commissioner to the Blood Cross had absconded the conference, as reported by Dany's assistant at the Video Conference client, Blood Cross decided that Mexico be scarred as the originating land of the virus.

So it happened. March 18th, first swine-flu case reported in Mexico. And it took the route of geometric progression wildly infecting mankind. And two years later, when the Blood Cross became the only organization with a richer treasure chest than that of the US Federal reserve, did it launch its much-awaited vaccine.. again, raking up further tens of billions of dollars!
And what was initially an vengeful venture against some pig-farmer, lead to the formation of a new world order. Where doctors took over Parliaments. Nurses took over the bureaucracy. And Pharma companies took over the world economy!

The preceding work is fictional. Any resemblance to persons/organizations living or dead is purely coincidental!


Hope you'll had a nice time! :D
Keep coming for more! ;)